The Very Model of the Modern Preppy Principal

My friend Kevin Tilley is returning to the science classroom after some years as assistant principal and principal of our middle school.  During the last half-hour of his tenure, his final "assembly" for the students, I sat at the piano to perform the following song.  Because he brought his family to the American South from England, I parodied "The Very Model of the Modern Major General," music by Sir Arthur Sullivan and lyrics by W. S. Gilbert. Lyrics were projected on the screen behind me so that the whole school could join in. 

He is the very model of
a modern preppy principal.
His posture is impeccable;
his placidness, invincible.
He’s good with leadership
by being firm but not tyrannical.
And he can drive a bus
or manage anything mechanical.
He knows the Constitution
and the bulk of U. S. history,
Although the War of Eighteen-twelve
to him remains a mystery.
At soccer games he calms the crowd
when refs have got them all annoyed…
And he can tell apart a solar panel
from a solenoid.
(repeat three times)
He set apart a week for field trips
that were sensational,
And introduced a lot of us
to odors sanitational.
His posture is impeccable;
his placidness, invincible.
He is the very model of
the modern preppy principal!

verse 2
When rafting in white water
he knows where to put his paddle in.
He knows that Beyoncé is not
a pastry from La Madeleine.
He’s good at cricket, rugby too,
tho’ padding he’s not one to wear.
He knows a boot is not a trunk,
he knows that pants aren’t underwear
He knows relationships with kids
are better than obedience.
He cooks a lot and knows to not
mix Marmite with ingredients.
He’s good at CPR; he can
resuscitate a mannequin …
And he can use a cell phone
just as well as any granny can.
(repeat three times)
    He knows the scientific names for
creatures large and minuscule.
He kept us moving forward in
his management of Middle School.
His posture is impeccable;
his placidness, invincible.
He is the very model of
the modern preppy principal!

verse 3
He handles middle schoolers,
both the sensitive and devious.
He knows geography;
he can find Acworth without GPS;
He supervised the planting of
our butterfly arboreum –
He likes to say he’s off to visit
in the “wiz-a-torium.”
He loves the winter cold;
the thermostat he won’t adjust a bit.
His tea cup is disgusting
with the tannic acid crusting it.
He likes to take refreshment from
a rather large Ball Mason jar…
He upgrades old Toyotas
to perform like any racin’ car
(repeat three times)
Although his work as principal
is very nearly done, we know
That Kevin Tilley works two times as hard
as anyone we know.
His posture is impeccable;
his placidness, invincible.
He is the very model of
the modern preppy principal!  (repeat)