Before You Say Something You'll Regret...: Crucial Conversations

"Take a deep breath, Mr. Smoot. You're about to say something you'll regret."

I whipped around from the 7th grade girl who had made me so mad to face the boy who spoke those words behind my back. He was smiling, but very red in the face.

He continued, "Count to ten."

I did. Then I apologized to the class, laughed at my foolish reaction, thanked him, and did my best to meet the girl's needs. She only wanted to do well, and my instruction had not told her how.

That's my own contribution to the trove of similar anecdotes that show effective ways to handle conversation when it goes "crucial." These anecdotes often made me tear up, because nothing gets to me like forgiveness and reconciliation. There's the one about the wife who wants to feel appreciated more than desired (98); the wife who finds a nearby no-tell motel charged on her husband's account (149); and the mother whose daughter screams, "I finally get a boyfriend and you want to take him away from me" (170)

The authors slice these anecdotes up, filling the in-betweens with observations of what's going wrong, and what can make it go right. So each chapter is a kind of story, with a heartwarming denoument.

The basics are all present in my own anecdote. Look at yourself and others to see if a conversation has gone wrong. Apologize. Make it safe, expressing that you don't want the other to feel badly, and you do share a common goal (and if you don't agree on a specific goal, make the goal more general). Find out,Why would a rational, decent human being do what they're doing? I've always known, true authority is based on mutual respect.

Here are a few gems from the book:

• Sarcasm is a form of silence (75)
• Respect is like air: You don't notice it, but when it's gone, it's all people think about (79-80)
• When a conversation turns crucial, "step out of the content" to examine why there's "silence" or "violence," sure signs that someone doesn't feel safe (92 and before)

Some of the book's lessons are good for teaching my students about persuasive rhetoric. There's a list of ways to win an argument by hurting everyone and shutting down true dialogue:

• Stack the deck with our supporting facts
• Exaggerate
• Use inflammatory terms
• Appeal to authority
• Attack the opponent
• Make hasty generalizations
• Attack a straw man

I'd add "What about?" as in, "Oh? What about that time when...." It occurs to me as I type this up that I hear NPR interviewers sidestepping this kind of rhetoric every time they interview partisans on the news.

One of the many stories contributed by readers concerns using the principles in this book to compose a speech for an international audience filled with defensive delegates (222). For teaching persuasive writing, these are understandable notions: make the other side feel "safe" and mirror the other side's stories.

The authors' use of the word "story" is helpful. It's better for teaching writing than the dry word "thesis." Facts don't have power to make us emotional, but the stories we make from them do. If you're feeling strongly, then examine your story. Often, there's more than one story to explain the facts (115).

Also, vocabulary matters. "Angry" doesn't give you enough information; "surprised" and "embarrassed" give you some things you can address (114).

Some of the strongest stories and lessons follow the index. In an afterword, the authors tell what they've learned in a decade of teaching this book. These are strong:

• It's not only when it matters most that we do our worst. The author blew up at a minor $3 charge (224).
• Ready to launch a tirade at his 15 year old son, the father took a moment to examine the boy's story. When his own body visibly relaxed, the boy transformed, "no longer a monster -- he was a vulnerable, beautiful, precious boy" (226).
• You can't make someone else have dialogue with you. But weeks of the father's approaching the withdrawn, sarcastic daughter, "softened" her to the point that she felt safe to tell him her story (230).

One author tells us that some readers who thank him for the way the book has helped in their lives also admit that they've not done much more than skim the book. He says that's okay. We all have good ideas of what best behavior looks like, and just the reminder that a conversation has turned crucial is enough (228).

When that happens, take a deep breath. Count to ten. And start over.

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Second Edition. New York: McGraw Hill, 2012.